apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
