i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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