I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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