It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
