She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
