I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
