So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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