I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
