im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
