Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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