My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize