When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
