these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
