you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
