Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
