You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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