our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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