I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
