MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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