know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
