I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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