Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
