my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
