Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
