Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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