if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
