Soap is not a condiment
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
