she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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