Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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