we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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