yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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