She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
