i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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