Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
