I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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