My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
