i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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