My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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