I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
