To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize