do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
