he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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