I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
