omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
