I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
