i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
