the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize