it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
