Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
