OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize