last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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