i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
