I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
