I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
FUCK WHALES
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
