I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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