I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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