if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
