she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
