she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
