remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
