I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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