It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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