3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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