can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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